Late last night, I found myself wide-awake, pondering the words the Lord was pouring into me. I thought to myself, “I should get up and write these down,” but I wasn’t planning on blogging about this. I felt this was more than I wanted people to know about me, but the Lord was persistent.Back in 2012, I was doing my lesson plans for our school year, and out of nowhere the Lord spoke to me and said, “You’re going to be a surrogate.” I wasn’t sure what to do with that. At the time, I saw no way to do it, so I tucked it away in the back of my mind. Over the years, there were times I thought now must be the time, but the Lord would softly whisper to me, “not yet.” I patiently waited until May of 2017. At our women’s retreat, I found myself talking with a friend about this very subject, then we continued our weekend. I forgot all about it until Julie sent me a message two months later asking if I still had the desire to be a surrogate. She put me in contact with a friend of hers from high school who had been looking for a few years. After meeting with the couple, I knew this was it.
We started all the logistics of things, and in July I started meds to prepare me for transfer day. Through this whole process, I had faith that God had put this whole puzzle together. I didn’t question Him or this process once. I for sure thought that after the transfer day we can get excited about being pregnant, and do all the fun stuff that comes with that. I had weeks of checking my HCG levels every few days and finally we had an ultrasound scheduled, only to find out that this pregnancy was going to end in a miscarriage.
I had brought my oldest daughter with me to the ultrasound appointment, thinking this would be an exciting experience that we could share, but instead, we were given the saddest news. We were there another 45 minutes, but it was silence. I didn’t have the right words to say. I was still processing it myself. I have never been through this. I went home to drop off my daughter and went to find a place to have some alone time with God. I cried a lot. I had so many questions for Him, and I didn’t understand. I can’t stress enough how much I didn’t see this coming; I just did not doubt that we would have a successful pregnancy the first try. After a week of pain and going through the process of the miscarriage, I started to feel like myself again. I still felt a sense of loss and confusion. I pondered and wondered why, just why??? I’ve learned a few things through this process; God doesn’t make bad things happen, but He does promise to make good things come from it. I have held onto that promise. I learned that having big faith even when things don’t go the way you want is ok. You didn’t fail. I am also learning that it’s ok to grieve about it, to know that it’s not over and we will try again. You just can’t stay stuck there. God didn’t say, “You’re going to have pain, and I want you to stay there and let it consume your life,” He did say, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)